Hello.

Yeah.

I'm sneaky.

Seemingly sense flies away like so many grains of sand through the hourglass...Slipping, falling, struggling downward where it is burried...Unnoticed, unloved with all the other little pieces so taken for granted. Ever piece representing a fraction of a moment in our lives, passing us by...And now many of them are forgotten?

And I life pretty things that rock the world and all the eyes that fall upon them. I like attention, I like to impress, I like the significance that it takes to make an impression if you so do believe that impressions are made and not just on the impressionable. We sink into skin, our face our details, we lead on the mind creating a little hole in which we snuggle ourselves into. Burried forever in the depths of human consciousness like so many fallen memories from times passed and lost to what we want and what we need. The little motives that dictate our life without us even knowing. We never wind up anywhere for no reason, our minds create the path and the justification and so we walk. Walk...We run we move with slither we crawl we jog we tip toe, but we get to where we really want to be.

All the sad songs in the world can't take your heart away for long, because the mind comes into play. The mind loves the heart because it makes you weak, it makes you more submissive to what IT wants.

We live in an empty landscape, void from any sort of reality that we may want. Our dreams become our illusions, taking us into the unknown world of desires and unbecoming circumstances. People and places and things that will never be, but god we want them too, we wish we could live in dreams with all those pretty things to hold us in their embrace. So like children we become when we want to, and we so often do want to...So often that reality and fantasy become blurred into a mess of confusion that we're left to sort through and it breaks our hearts.

We cry over what we can't have...Not because we can't have it, but because we HAVE had it. In our mind, in our dreams, in our little fantasies which help to make us human. And the piano plays on, slowly and whimsically because we want it to, because we want that hurt deep down. That sense of loss makes us strong in some way or another and teaches us not to get our hopes up. We climb this mountain of dreams only to reach the top and find we haven't moved...That the peak is the same as the base. And empty landscape int he minds eye that creates these mirages to sooth our souls.

And our souls live off of this as if on a drug. Morphine for the inner self, to level off the harsh feelings that twist and turn in your stomach. Drugs that calm the soul and make it laugh once more at realities follies. When the prescription is empty, and we forget what we have found, life collapses and we break down. The mirror shatters into a million little pieces on the ground which we try to pick up but only cut ourselfs...

Glass prickly beneath the skin, a transparent mechanism built to bleed the heart...And it doesn't hurt after a while, because the medicine comes back, the drugs make us better...The dreams feed that craving. The piano starts back up and the whole world seems to sing and sleep and love us unconditionally...And somewhere words are being said...

But we don't hear them...

They don't matter...

Words take away from this pretty picture.

And all of this happens in a moment, a swift clean clear moment which falls down like said in an hourglass...

Forgotten like every passing moment eventually will be.

So I am in a very "fuck you" kind of mood. I'm just past the point of caring about anything or anyones. I know that sounds like I'm depressed or in a bad mood, but I'm really not, actually it feels kind of good. I feel...Hmmm....Freeeeeee.

Anyway, yeah so it took rejection to make me come to the realization that life is stupid and I dont waste my time on stupid things. I came up with this theory that humor first branched off from stupidity...

Back to this weird mood, yeah I feel like being really really mean, and I'm not sure why. I think that all these years of niceness have like used up a certain quotia I have for nice and now its recharging its batteries allowing me to be a total bitch.

I am SO in the mood to fight somebody! I'm just so sick of everyone depending on me for answers, I mean I'm happy that people come to me sure, but jeez its like every time you get a freaking splinter its robin to the rescue!

Let me tell you something, despite popular belief, you CAN take care of yourself, its very simple and easy so stop being a pussy and solve your own damn problems cause they really, really are stupid.

I hate it when people get worked up over nothing, I mean come off it, stop crying out for attention its just a bunch of bull shit. I hate egos, get off your fucking high horse and fall back down to reality witht he rest of us. You're not better than anyone else, in my eyes, you're nothing because you dont decide whether I live or die, you don't control me life and therefore you hold no significance to me life.

And I TRY to be friendly, I TRY to be a good friend but god damn I just dont feel fufilled in any way shape or form. And I know I WON'T. People are always barking on about how they are alone and there's a hole in their heart, well DUDE nothing can fill that god damn hole. You're not special!!!

I completely and utterly give up on you and everyone's bs, from now on I am going to stop lying like I do VERY often and get in touch with a little friend I call "TRUTH"  Look it up, its a very ineresting concept.

Nobody disappoints me or makes me sad quite like you do...Time to give up on our friendship...Eh whatever, your call, not mine.

The word that would best describe this feeling

Would be haunted

I touch the clothes you left behind

That still retain your shape and lines

Still haunted

I trace the outline of your eyes

We're in the mirror hypnotized

I'm haunted

I find a solitary hair

Gone and still I remenice

I'm haunted



Haunted by your soul

Haunted by your hair

Haunted by your clothes

Haunted by your eyes

By your soul, by your hair

By your clothes, by your eyes

By your voice, by your smile

By your mouth, by your soul

By your hair, by your clothes

By your eyes, by your voice

By your smile, by your mouth

By your soul



HAUNTED (haunted)



So this is for when you feel happy

And this is for when you feel sad

And this is for when you feel...

Nothing


Oh, when the minutes drag

Oh, when the minutes drag



And this is for the tears that won't dry

And this is for a bright blue sky

And this is for when you feel...

Lucky

And this is for when you feel...

Lucky



Oh, when the minutes drag

Oh. when the minutes drag



So this is for when you're feeling happy again

And this is for when you're feeling sad

And this is for when you feel...

Something


Oh, when the minutes drag

Oh, when the minutes drag



HAUNTED (haunted)

When the minutes drag

HAUNTED (haunted)

When the minutes drag

Wow I have been neglecting my xanga! Wooooah look at all the changes! oooOOOoooo full page for entries.

So I think for the first time in a looonnnnng time I'm in a good place. I actually have friends who I can count on to be there tomorrow and that is really all I have wanted for the past three years...Well that and a boyfriend, but that is still under the same status.

Schedule:

1st Period - Trig, Hurtt

2nd Period - Foods, Gavin

3d Period - AP Gov, Carp {woooot!}

4th Period - NOT ASB, Brit lit with Pyle

5th Period - Drama 7/8, Rogelstad

6th Period - Online Zoology, Outlaw

I reeeaaallly like this schedule, I only have two books I need for the whole day thusfar and they are my first two periods so yeah put two and two together. AP Gov is an awsome class, I'm so happy I made that switch last minute.

So yesterday my whole, dad/male relationship issue was psycho analized in Drama for like 40 minutes and it led to sorta a breakthrough and I plan to deal with those issues through acting...Ever since I realized that I've been like in a goooood mood.

My Trig teacher is kinda....Stupid...Literally...But she's nice at least. Foods is the easiest thing in the world, I'M ITALIAN I KNOW WHAT A MEASURING CUP IS I mean DAMN I've been cooking like out of the womb. Still fun though.

Brit lit will be enjoyable cause I like mr pyle, he's cool and he likes me so its all chill even if he doesn't like the way I write.

I REALLY like online zoo cause its like...no 6th period yay!

Trying out fo the school play tomorrow but dont know what I'll be doing for the audtions, I got this book of Jean-Paul Sartre plays and I REALLY like this one called No Exit, its awsome and about these people who are in hell, but hell is actually this room with three couches {three people} and like a table ornament thingy and they can like hear each others thoughts and they're stuck together for eternity and they realize that hell isn't fire and hot pokers but OTHER PEOPLE dundundun awsome concept.